typical conversations with a non-typical child

SJ and I were out running errands when he starts repeating something from a show he's watched.  I ask him is that a real story or something he is "repeating".  This is a great frustration in our house, especially for Bob.  I tell SJ that he can just tell me about his day.  This is an example of how this typical mother/son conversation went in our house.
Me:  How was your day?
SJ:  I don't know.
Me:  What was your special?
SJ:  Gym.
Me:  What did you do in gym?
SJ:  I don't know.
Me:  Did you play a game?
SJ: We did color tag and dodge ball.
Me:  Did you get out in dodge ball?
SJ:  I set up the balls like Christmas time.
Me:  But did you play dodge ball?
SJ:  Yes...in the second game. 
Me:  Did you get out?
SJ:  No.
You see SJ doesn't usually expand the conversation.  He doesn't tell you who was on his team.  He doesn't tell you if he got out.  He doesn't tell you if he had fun.  As his mom, I have to try to pull all of the information out of him.  It doesn't occur to him that the person he is talking to may want more information.  Bob tries this tactic with him a lot, but SJ usually get distracted.  That is when the "repeating" begins.  I think he tries to fill in the gaps with dialog that is in his head even if it is not related to the conversation.  I give Bob much credit, because he tries so hard to have his brother talk to him.  Hopefully with a few reminders, SJ will stop "repeating" so much and start genuinely talking to us.

sick=sleepy SJ

SJ never really sleeps much.  He has an internal alarm clock.  Whether he goes to bed at 8:30 p.m. or 10:00 p.m., he is always up by 6:30 a.m.  Except on a school day, then he is like any other kid and needs to be coaxed out of bed.  It was a Sunday, so he is back to his automatic schedule.  Yesterday, he was still asleep at 7:30 a.m.  I should have known that something was off.  He barely ate his 3 slices of casein free french toast, which is very unusual.  He got dressed for the day and was just sitting on the couch.  I took his temperature and he was 100.7.  I decided that he would stay home from the family picnic that we were scheduled to go to.  I took Bob and left him at home with my husband.  My husband said he ate some spaghetti for lunch and then went to sleep.  He was still asleep when Bob and I returned at 4:30.  He finally woke up at 6:00.  He still had a fever and wasn't hungry.  He was playing Wii with Bob and relaxing on the couch.  Around 8:00 p.m., he put on his pajamas and went back to bed.  He woke up this morning at 7:15 a.m. with no fever and back to his old self.  He polished off 4 casein free pancakes and took his supplements.  He then said, "Hey Mom, are we going to the pool today?"  Looks like he is back to his normal self.  It was nice to see that his self-prescribed bed rest was all the medicine he needed.

swimming=sensory calmness

SJ has always loved the water.  He loves baths, sprinklers and swimming pools.  Ironically, he doesn't like rain, because he feels that he can only get wet when he is in the correct environment.  It is completely fine for him to be wet in the tub.  It is fine for him to be wet anytime that would require him to be in a bathing suit.  We went to our local pool yesterday for a few hours.  SJ is almost typical when he is swimming.  He is happy.  He is engaging.  He and Bob were practicing pencil dives and cannonballs off the dive block.  This is one of the few places that I can experience them interacting as true brothers.  It is a joy to watch.  My husband and I were sitting on our blanket reading and SJ was hollering for him to come in.  As I was watching them swim together, it could have been any Dad and son.  Not necessarily a Dad with his special needs son.  SJ tends to be less hyper after swimming.  I often thought being submerged in the water shocks his nervous system with a calming presence.  I don't have any scientific proof of this effect, but only as an observer of SJ.  For any kids out there with PDD, I say take your kids to the pool.  It is definitely an experiment worth trying. 

it is okay for boys to be dirty

SJ and Bob were outside playing with a friend.  They were playing very nicely.  They were having running races in the driveway and riding their bikes.  When Bob and the friend went to see if another neighbor boy was home, SJ continued to ride his bike.  He must have rode through a big puddle.  There was mud all over the back of his bike, his shorts and his shirt.  When he realized that his clothes were dirty, he immediately started demanding that I wash them.  I told him that I wouldn't since if was around 7:00 p.m.  I told him he could change or keep them on.  I told him that it was okay if he was dirty.  He just kept crying and then came in from playing.  I hate that this extremely typical boyness of being dirty will totally halt SJ.  He ended up never going back outside.  When I went to check on him, he was in the playroom playing Wii in his underwear.  I know I can't be the only parent of a child with PDD that experiences this, but I feel sad for him that he sometimes just can't get past something this simple.  He missed out on another 90 minutes of playtime because he thought he had to be in clean clothes.  Maybe this is my fault for always changing them as soon as they spilled anything on them as babies and toddlers.  I hope I am not the cause of this compulsive behavior.  I will have many opportunities to work on this behavior if the rains keep coming.

toys in time out

As I told you yesterday, SJ broke his glasses at school.  I was trying to think of an appropriate punishment.  I could take away computer, wii or his DS.  But after talking to my mom, I decided to take some of his plushies away (his Mario stuffed animals).  My mom suggested that I take away all of them (he has about 10) for about a month.  That was way too extreme for SJ.  When he returned from the vision center with my husband, I told him that I was very disappointed in his behavior and he started his normal apologies.  "Sorry Mom...Sorry Mom...Sorry Mom," he said.  I told him that sorry wasn't enough and that I was taking some plushies for a few days.  He started crying like I had taken gold away from him.  Plushies are his currency.  Every kid has some kind of currency that they treasure more than anything.  He went and got the plushies and I put them somewhere were he could see them but not touch them.  We started doing this "toys in timeout" thing shortly after he was diagnosed.  Until about two years ago, he simply couldn't sit for the age equivalent timeout.  Sometimes you have to pull out old parenting tricks.  We also told him that the next time he threw his glasses in a tantrum he would lose all the plushies for 7 days.  "What...not...7...days!!!!," said SJ.    Hopefully, this punishment will teach him that it is not worth the tantrum. 

temper tantrum=broken glasses

I heard from SJ's paraprofessional that he had an "accident" with his glasses at recess today.  I guess the kids in his grade were only using one section of the recess area.  Of course, he wanted to use the other area.  He got mad and took off his glasses and through them.  Needless to say, they were all banged up.  SJ and his parapro took the glasses to the nurse to fix them up.  She got them back together, but the one lens was scratched up.  They were so scratched that I couldn't see out of the lens.  When I went to retrieve him and Bob from the pick-up location, he was still crying and telling me it was his teacher's fault.  I calmly tried to explain to him that is was only one person's fault (and it definitely wasn't his teachers).  I told him it was his fault.  He was the one that got mad.  He was the one who took them off of his face.  He was the one who threw them.  I told him he needs to control himself and not get so mad over such a small thing.  His temper can flare up like this when he feels that a wrong is being done.  He gets so mad that he is practically impossible to reason with.  We are trying to work on his acceptance of changes to the normal routine.  Talking him through these situations isn't always so easy.  Fortunately, the older he gets and the better his vocabulary gets, the tantrum times seem to lessen.  When my husband got home, we talked to him again about not getting mad over a change in the routine.  We also reminded him that it was his fault.  He agreed and said it was his fault.  He even apologized, but we are still going out to get him glasses tonight.

typical friday for a nontypical family

It is Friday, so that means Speech Therapy for SJ.  Usually on Fridays, I go home after picking up the boys from school.  We wait for my husband to get home and then SJ and I head off to speech.  My husband wasn't going to be home in time tonight, so we went directly there.  I knew we had some extra time, so I told the boys we could eat first.  SJ likes to go to Mickey D's on speech days, but Bob is burnt out on that.  He asks if we can go to Sonic (which SJ does like!), but SJ starts to have a tantrum in the car.  I like Sonic too, so I announce that is where we are going.  He is insisting on going to Mickey D's.  As I am listening to SJ's tears, I can tell that Bob feels he is going to have to eat at SJ's choice.  This now starts a chain reaction of Bob complaining as SJ continues to cry.  Now, I know I should tell SJ too bad and the tears don't affect me.  But that would be a lie.  As usual, I compromise.  Bob and I order from Sonic and then drive down the road to Mickey D's for SJ.  Suddenly, all is calm in the car.  We sit in silence in the parking lot of the speech therapy building and eat our typical Friday dinner.  One of these days I will stand my ground and fight out the dinner war, but today was not that day.  SJ and Bob 1...Mom 0.

showing empathy

After school on Monday, Bob fell while playing in our driveway with SJ and two neighbor boys.  He came in crying and said he really hurt his hand.  SJ ran back into the house a few minutes later to see if Bob was okay.  I told him that he was fine and would be better soon.  SJ returned outside to play with the neighbor boys.  When the boys woke up the next morning, Bob said his hand was in even more pain.  My husband decided to take him to get an x-ray.  On the way to SJ's school, he asked me if Bob would be okay.  I told him it was probably a sprain and he would be fine.  I later found out that poor Bob had indeed broke his wrist.  He was going to be in a cast for the next 4 weeks.  When I picked up SJ from school, the first thing he asked me was if Bob was okay.  I told him that he broke his wrist and would be in a cast for four weeks.  SJ had broken his wrist in second grade and knew how painful it was going to be for Bob.  We picked up Bob at my husband's dental appointment.  As soon as Bob got in the car, SJ asked him if he was okay.  Bob started telling him about his appointments and that he wouldn't be able to play baseball for a few weeks.  SJ listened and empathized with him.  I had heard a long time ago that kids with PDD couldn't empathize.  I am glad to report that SJ can and I couldn't be happier.

connecting through plushies

Most kids learn to socialize naturally at a very young age.  Moms schedule playdates where the kids play near each other.  Eventually, these same kids play with each other.  When you have a child with PDD or Autism, that learning process is not so natural.  Over the years, SJ has slowly learned to socialize.  He is still developmentally behind in some areas.  We have found that he uses his puppets or plushies (the new hip term for stuff animals) to practice conversation skills.  It is amazing to watch him and Bob play with the plushies and have a typical play moment.  SJ will adapt the story and insert Mario or Bowser as the characters he is trying to recreate.  He is very animated and engaging with us as a family when he is putting on a show with his toys.  Although you may not be seeing this behavior in a typical child his age, we still feel that he needs to go through these developmental stages.  I love watching him grow and narrow the gap in his developmental delays.  When I watch him playing with Bob or other friends, I am thankful that he has these toys to use as tools.  They are helping him be a little less clumsy in the typical world.

amusement park fun

We went to Kennywood today.  This trip can always be a little stressful for me.  SJ has a lot of trouble waiting in lines.  Basically, he can't stand still.  He begins to play on the rails (like most kids do), but he also continually bumps into the people ahead of him.  If he was 4, this behavior would be ignored.  He, however, is 9.  This behavior tends to receive bad looks and comments from the other guests.  He can also be very loud and whiny when he has to wait too long.  Another stressor for him is the loud noises that can sometimes accompany the rides.  The bobsled ride has a very loud horn that goes off about halfway through the ride.  I am happy to report that today my anticipated stress was unnecessary.  He did great today.  He waited in roller coaster lines for up to 45 minutes with minimal complaints.  He tried several new rides.  We did have to sweeten the deal by offering up some game playing, but what parent hasn't done that.  He even rode the bobsled ride and adjusted to the deafeningly loud noise by plugging his ears.  He and Bob rode many rides together.  Just like any other brothers.  Was the day perfect?  Of course not.  He still got into some arguments with Bob, which made some of the guests look at us with disapproving looks.  Besides the one fight with Bob, SJ was happy and content most of the day.  This was probably the most typical family day that we have had at an amusement park.  For our family, this was a great day.  We left tired from having fun and not from dealing with drama.  I would say it was great progress.

blending into a sea of typical students

SJ and Bob both had their family picnics at school today.  SJ's was first.  We went through the line and ate outside with the many other families.  SJ sat with us and some of our friends.  He didn't talk much, but there were distractions to keep his attention.  There were many children running around or eating with their families.  After we were finished, SJ threw away his trash and went off to play with his classmates.  It was so nice to see him blending in among all the typical children that were there.  Occasionally, he would be off by himself.  Then a few minutes later some classmates would run up and ask him to join them.  It was so nice to see him interacting just like any other student at the school.  I had him pose for a picture with his friends and then his entire class.  Later that day when I was looking at the pictures on my digital camera, I tried to see if he stood out in either of the pictures.  He didn't.  He was smiling and making great eye contact.  In those moments of time, he was as typical as his classmates.

pdd doesn't = idiot

We were at Bob's baseball game and two random boys from the other team were playing a DS.  They were about 6 or 7 years old.  SJ approaches the boys and tries to ask them a question about the game they are playing.  In my mind, I am so proud that he is attempting to make a connection with kids he has never seen before.  This makes me so happy, but then I hear the one little boy say something mean to SJ.  He said, "You already asked me that twice.  What are you an idiot?"  I stand there frozen.  Should I say something to the random boy or should I let it go?  It is not as if I could go up to the boys and say, "He has PDD.  He is not stupid."  Kids tend to call other kids idiots and not really think they are stupid.  SJ either didn't hear the boy or didn't care, because he continued to try to talk to the boys.  When I realized that they weren't interested, I called him over to sit with me.  I am still proud that SJ continues to try to make friends and I sincerely hope that no one ever calls that random little boy an idiot.  No one deserves that.

wiffle ball=tantrum

SJ, Bob and some neighbor kids were playing a friendly game of wiffle ball.  All was going well until SJ didn't get Bob out at home.  You would have thought SJ just lost the World Series.  He starts yelling and throws the wiffle bat.  I had to have him come in the house for a time out to calm down.  He is just continually crying saying this is not fair and that Bob was out.  After about 10 minutes, he calmed down and we tried to explain to him why Bob was safe.  I also tried to let him know that the other kids may get scared when he yells like that.  I worry sometimes that these tantrums will not allow him to form strong friendships.  So much for a quiet Mother's Day. 

being a part of the team

I have 2 sons.  Bob is 10 and typical.  My other son SJ is 9 and has PDD-NOS.  Bob plays basketball, soccer and baseball.  SJ used to play all of these sports, but he was having too much trouble fitting in with the team sports.  Technically, SJ could be on Bob's baseball team.  He is in the right age group, but due to the PDD he is emotionally a few years younger.  He can't always control his emotions, so when he gets out he tends to tantrum.  We chose to not put him on the team until he can try to control himself.  He still wants to be "involved", so I got him a matching team shirt and he wears it to the games.  Sometimes he is the scoreman and today he was the "equipment manager".  Today, Bob had a baseball tournament.  His team won all three games and SJ was as happy as any of the other kids on the team.  When we took a team photo, SJ was in there too.  Maybe he isn't a "real" team player, but I feel he is making great strides socially by fitting in on his own terms.