a lose, lose situation

Ok, this is going to be a long one. I apologize in advance. Apparently, there is a Talent Show at Bob and SJ's junior high. SJ just told us about it a couple of weeks ago. He was going to do a puppet show with his one friend, but Bob strongly suggested that would be "way too young" for a seventh grader to do. I was still concerned that SJ was going to do that act. What Bob said must have resonated with SJ, since he is now not doing the puppet show. I thought we were done with this topic after that, but I was wrong.


A week ago, SJ announced to us at dinner that he was going to be singing at the Talent Show. Singing? I think we were all in shock. Yes, we hear SJ sing from time to time in his room, but he has never expressed any interest in singing in public.  He had to stay after school last Thursday to tryout. What if he is awful? If he was awful, then the teacher would say something hopefully. I thought maybe he would be cut and that would be the end of it, but I was still wrong.


SJ came home and said the kids told him that he was great. However, the next day, Bob told my husband that a nice, kind friend of his (who was at the audition), said SJ did not do such a great job. Bob was worried that the kids would pick on SJ and additionally pick on him. Then, Bob proceeded to tell my husband that some of the students have been teasing him about SJ. He said that he thinks most of them don't know that SJ has Autism and they just think he is "weird" (this breaks my heart to even type this).  He said that SJ walks through the halls and makes weird faces and does some gross behaviors (we were aware that he had been occasionally doing these behaviors) a lot. My husband told Bob he would talk to him about the behaviors, but Bob said he never listens. 


Bob then began his campaign to discourage SJ from participating in the Talent Show. Bob was getting very upset just thinking about SJ performing and getting made fun of. He kept telling him that most of the kids who are performing have "actual talents". SJ wasn't listening to Bob at all. Bob then went to my husband and I with his concerns. While I appreciate him thinking of his brother, some of the dialogue he was using was making my role as SJ's mom hard to hear. He was being a frustrated teenager, so I tried to not take it personally (a hard feat). I also felt so bad for Bob. It must be so difficult to have a brother that is different and easily picked on. Bob is very shy and just wants to blend in. Having SJ for a brother makes that very hard for him.


My husband and I talked that evening. I thought maybe we should discourage SJ from doing the show. Bob did have some valid points. Most of the kids performing have been taking lessons for years, such as the dancers and the musical acts. We decided to contact the teacher in charge to see how his performance was. I sent her an email yesterday morning and she called me on her break. She said he wasn't too bad, except that he mumbled during his tryout. She said he wasn't the worse, but no where near the top acts. We had a fairly long discussion about what to do and I also told her what Bob had said about the mean kids.  I thought maybe he should not do it and told her to tell him he needs more practice. I also told her to mention that maybe he should wait until next year. 


She went to see him during his study hall and he was not happy with anything she said to him. He was still insisting that he was going to perform. She emailed me back to tell me what happened and I promptly called my husband. We were going to discuss it with him at home. I thought SJ would be in a very bad mood at the end of the school day, but he was surprisingly happy. Problem solved?  Not even close.


When I talked to him about it that evening, he was still insisting that he was performing. He got visibly upset and said he worked really hard on it. My husband asked him to sing it for us, but he didn't want to. He reminded him that if he can't sing in front of us that it would be very difficult to sing in front of 300 students. He told him if he didn't practice he definitely wouldn't be performing in the Talent Show.  SJ then started to practice in his room. An hour later, my husband and I went to listen to his song. Surprisingly, it was a funny parody song. More surprisingly, he wasn't too bad (unless it was just my parenting ears). My husband was almost in tears listening to SJ. Now, what to do?


This morning, I again sent the teacher in charge an email. I told her that maybe he can do it if he practices each night. Bob is not going to like to hear this news. If he is still that upset about it, I will probably let him skip school that day. This is a hard time in both of their lives. That is why I feel that I am in a lose-lose situation. If I make Bob happy and not let him perform, then I may be crushing something in SJ. If I let SJ try to perform (whether the results are good or bad), Bob could potentially be teased and picked on. There is no easy choice here. I will just pray to the teenage gods that SJ will do well enough that the kids enjoy it and they are all kind (to him and Bob). I will be stressed about this until after next Friday. Parenting is hard.

after school speech session 12

Two Tuesdays ago, SJ had his speech therapy session. I started a new job, so my husband is now in charge of getting him to speech. The therapist told my husband that they first worked on "Changing the Topic". She explained to him how to change the topic of a conversation by linking it to the previous topic. For example:


Partner 1-So I grabbed the leash before Maxwell could run off again. (The topic is keeping his dog, Maxwell, from running away.)
Partner 2-Speaking of Maxwell, how do you like the dog training classes? (Both the old and new topics are about Maxwell.)


After she gave him the example, they read through nine scenarios. He had to decide if the second sentence made a logical connection between the old and new topics. Six of the nine scenarios made a logical connection, while the other three did not. She said he did well with this exercise.


Next, they worked on "Asking Questions". She told him some good reasons to ask questions during a conversation such as: to show that you are interested in what the other person is saying, to expand the conversation topic and to make sure you understood what the person said. She reminded him not to interrupt the speaker by asking a question and to save his question until the person was done speaking. She added that if he doesn't understand what the person is saying, he could use facial expressions to signal that he doesn't understand (tricky for a kid on the spectrum).


Then, she read him six scenarios that had a sentence with a question. He had to decide if the question showed interest, expanded the topic or was to understand. Sometimes the questions could be applicable for multiple reasons. For example:


"I just got the expansion pack for my favorite video game."
"What do you like best about video games?"


SJ thought the question was to expand the topic. He did fine with this activity.  The last thing they practiced during his session was conversational speech. (He can always use practice with this topic.) She also asked him about the Luau Dance and he told her that he had fun. 

after school reading tutoring sessions 14 & 15

At SJ's last two reading tutoring sessions, Mrs. Banks continued to read "Crispin" with SJ. During session 14, he was a little more focused than the previous week. He stayed in his chair and kept his eyes on the book for most of the session. She asked him comprehension questions during their session and he was able to answer with appropriate answers. She was pleased that he was getting the book. I apologized for not getting more chapters read in between sessions, but they were moving along quite quickly. I talked to her about his summer sessions.  He is going to move to Tuesday mornings, so he will have tutoring and speech on the same day (get all the things that he doesn't like out of the way in one day).


I started a new job, so my husband was in charge of being home for Mrs. Banks this week. He was rushing home, but Mrs. Banks got held up at the elementary school in a meeting. SJ only had a 30 minute session because of that fact. Although his session was short, Mrs. Banks told my husband that he had his best session yet. He was completely on task, was asking suitable questions about the chapters that they were reading and was able to explain what was happening. At one point, he was reading and he thought she was not paying attention. "Hey, I am reading over here," he said to her. She laughed and said, "So, now you know how I feel."


Later on, I received a text from her. She told me that when she came into our house he told her that she was late. He then sat down and started to read before she even opened her book. That is a text that you want to get from a teacher. I might have to give him a manners refresher, but at least he was reading.

luau dance

Two weeks ago, SJ had his last dance of the year at the Junior High. It was a Luau Dance, so they were encouraged to wear "tropical" or summer clothes. SJ wanted to wear a Hawaiian shirt (which he did not have), so we bought one at Kohl's after his last speech session. The night of the dance he paired his shirt with red jeans and his YOLO sunglasses (orange-of course).  He wasn't sure if he could wear his sneakers or have to wear dress loafers, so he waited until we picked up Topher to see what he was wearing. Topher had on sneakers, so SJ kept his on too.


I dropped off the boys at the Junior High and went to get Bob at soccer practice (Bob is not a dance kid-way too shy). Topher's dad was going to pick up the boys when it was over. I was hoping that he wasn't crying at the end of this dance.  They returned around 10:30. He wasn't crying, but he wasn't 100% happy. I asked him if he had fun and he replied with "a little".  I decided not to push that evening.


The next morning, I tried to get more information out of SJ. He said there were a lot of kids there, but he didn't dance with anyone. He wouldn't tell me if he asked anyone to dance (even after many questions from me). He said the music was loud, but better than the Snow Flake music. I asked him if he would go again next year at the new middle school and he replied with, "Sure, why wouldn't I?" Well, I guess that answered all of my questions.  Even though he is not dancing with girls and the most popular kid there, he still keeps trying and that is one of SJ's best qualities. I hope he keeps that quality all of his life.

after school speech 11

Two sessions ago, SJ had his weekly speech therapy session. It was the week before the Luau Dance, so I asked his therapist to give him some strategies for potential social situations. After SJ was finished, she told me that he did very well during the session. They worked on Cause and Effect for half of the session. She was extremely impressed with how well he did on the Cause and Effect exercises.


For the second half of their session, she went over scenarios that would (and did) happen at the dance. He told her that he had asked two girls to dance at the last dance, but they declined. Then, she proceeded to give him strategies if that situation presented itself again. For example: She told SJ that if the girl says "No thanks" he could still try to strike up a conversation with her about something else. She suggested he try to find something to compliment her on or something that they have in common, such as a class or activity. She also went over some body language cues that SJ could look for to see if the person he was speaking with was interested in their conversation. (SJ has a tendency to talk about subjects for long periods of time that are only interesting to him.)


She also gave him a homework paper that had some other social situations that he could practice before going to the dance. I went over a few of them with him hoping that this last dance would be his best dance. We'll see...